Zoe! We're coming!

Zoe's visa was printed today!!! We are leaving in 1 hour to fly out to Africa! YIKES! We are beyond so excited.

Just couldn't leave the 'I'm gonna eat worms' post below for the week!
One of BFFs told me today that I can throw out the worms now! :)

Praise the Lord!!
Updates for the week on fb!

Tomorrow is Thursday again.

Bottom line - I hate this waiting. Tomorrow is Thursday again. Mark and I were talking tonight. By around 1:00 pm EST tomorrow, the waiting is over for the week. It will be 5:00 at the US Embassy in Ghana. Typically, they would let us know, send your POA to get your visa tomorrow or not. We either have it or we don't. Which gives us 4 whole days of knowing that nothing can be done until Monday comes again to be hopeful 'that maybe this will be our week'.

Today, I called Johnny Isaakson's office again. We have had NO WORD from the embassy in 3 weeks. Johnny's office told me they would email the embassy again. For the 3rd time. It isn't doing anything but I guess it's something. I emailed the US Embassy today for the 4th time in 3 weeks with no answered response.

Mark reached the point of 'Have we any sin in our life that we should confess?' Seriously? This is starting to feel SO reminiscent of our infertility days a decade ago. Completely out of our control. Feeling like we've done something to deserve the wait. Getting frustrated because the frustration seems to overshadow the joy when it actually gets here. Feeling like you don't deserve the joy when it arrives because you've spent so much time being upset and frustrated. Feeling left behind with the people you started out with...and having those who started behind you finish the process.

I've had a couple of well-meaning folks say, 'Well, she'll be here by Christmas!" Seriously???!! We thought she would be home by 4th OF JULY!!!

I think I'm just feeling panicky tonight because once again we are on the eve of the do-or-die day. Then it will be another week.

The real bottom line: my heart is breaking with each passing day.

Lord, please let us bring our baby girl home!!!

Conflicted Emotions and a Pending Pity Party

So....no visa email today. Typically, you get an email asking for your POA to come pick it up on Friday. Fridays are the coveted day for a printed visa. All we need is a little sticker in her book to bring her home. That's it. A little sticker. That's ALL we have needed since JUNE!! So, we may get something tomorrow but chances are real good that we're looking at waiting a whole other week - again with no guarantees. And still, 3 of our 5 waiting families are in Ghana picking up their kids because their visas were printed last Friday.

What I want to do is crawl in bed, pull the covers up, have a great cry, and go to sleep.

What I feel like I should do... pull up my big girl panties and enjoy my 2 boys who are home with me right now.

What I want to do is grieve because I keep missing milestones and moments with my girl...like the first time she learns a new trick or tastes a new food or learns a new word or laughs her head off at something.

What I feel like I should do is be thankful for all the upcoming memories I am privileged to experience with my daughter.

What I want to do each night is curl up with my girl and hold her tight and tell her how special she is and how much I love her.

What I feel is empty arms and so I curl up with her blanket instead.

What I want to do is SCREAM because there is an unknown force that will not complete a process that is taking an UNREASONABLE amount of time in order for me to be reunited with my daughter.

What I feel like I should do is remain calm and quiet.

What I want to do is pitch a fit and say a lot of cuss words that I'm thinking anyway.

What I feel like I should do is be patient.

What my mind wants to do is wonder how much longer this can go on? We are already WAY past the point we thought she would be home. We continue to pass holidays where there is an empty seat at the table.

What I feel like I should do is continue to have HOPE that it will happen any day now.

The TRUTH is that God called us to this adoption. I know He will see us through to the end. God knew Zoe would be mine before the beginning of time. She couldn't be any more my daughter than if she came from my body. God is GOOD. God does not change. God is with Zoe. And God is with me.

I believe this. I am trusting in this.
But right now, my emotions suck.

Emotionally Exhausted & The Best Dog Ever

Mark and I had to put our beloved, Jantzen down today. My heart is heavy.

Mark and I married in February of 1996. By the time, we hit summer of 1997, we had bought our first home and gotten our first dog. She was a 'rescue' dog. A fabulous mix of basset hound and beagle, and I'm sure some other stuff. A lady who worked at my school with me found her in the dumpster behind the hospital near our school. Her vet told her he thought it was a full-bred blue tick-hound. HA! That is hilarious in hindsight. Mark had always wanted a bluetick hound so we snatched her up when the email went out to find someone to keep her.

Our very first baby. Seriously. We treated her that way. Many of our friends have said they wished they had the life of a Fritchman dog. We treated her like a queen. She was so smart! She was a person in a dog body really. She had this look that would tell you exactly what she thought. She had deep, dark, beautiful brown lines around each eye that made her look like she had tattooed eyeliner. Because we thought she had some blue tick in her, we expected her to be a big dog. But she just kept getting longer and longer - and not any taller! Ha!! It looked like she had been cut off at the knees. She has slept in our bedroom, every night for 13 years. Mark and I wept like babies today.

For some reason, she had been eating some of our berber carpet in my study. She has done this before when she wasn't feeling well and thrown it up and pooped it out. (not alot! just wasn't the first time). She has been puny and throwing up for a few days. We thought she had eaten something that wasn't agreeing with her. We didn't know about the carpet. She was starting to withdraw and lay down in peculiar places in the yard. Yesterday, Mark found a piece of carpet hanging out of her mouth and proceeded to pull about 6 feet of carpet out of her mouth. Put then it was stuck and was pulling on her stomach, too. Last night, she wanted to sleep outside and we found her sleeping in a shallow hole she had dug behind some bushes. After speaking with 2 vets, we realize this is the worst thing that could happen for a dog without $1000s of surgery dollars and even then no guarantee that her intestines weren't already ripped beyond repair. At age 13 for Jantzen and $30,000 worth of adoption expenses, our only option was to let her go. Big SIGH.

Mini-Adoption Update:
3 of the 5 families waiting with our agency received their visas last Friday. They will travel this week to bring their children home. It is our hope and assumption that we will have Zoe's printed by this Friday but there are no guarantees. We appreciate your prayers for Zoe's visa and our emotions this week. Zoe's passport is at the US Embassy in Ghana which is a good sign.

Love to all - a